October 2 - Morning watch

Today I'm watching RGB episodes again. The sun just rose. I tried playing with WoW Egon, but I was hopelessly stuck. Tried to play another character, Huntra, but I couldn't remember where I was, why and what I should do, so I quit that and sneaked into the GB forum and looked for a bit. There's really not much going on. I was catious about answering anything, as I know I will regret it.

Even sneaked back to the RGB fanfic list and checked who were posting, and what. That list seems pretty dead as well. A few entries, not much stories. I will never go through the peril of publishing anything there and be loathed again! I'm so worried they will get to me again. I haven't left out my mail address to a single soul except for eBay and Tradera. Well, and that collector's list.

Many times I recited to myself what I would write if I came back to fanfic list. "I know you hate me, but...", "There's been years since I wrote, but..." and such crap. There's no way to return. It's so strange I can't get around with other fans. They tend to dislike me. I tend not to like their stuff. I want stories like good episodes! That's what I want. I never read one. I despice the gloating and drowsy stuff they tend to fancy.

Often I wonder why they don't like what I create. I mean, I stick to the series and the characters. I try to build the story like on TV. I asked around and everybody, yes everybody, said it's because I'm a foreigner and that Americans hate us. They can't put up with how some stupid woman across sea is trying to mess with an American fandom, people say. Not that I neccesarily write crap or good stuff, that my English naturally is mangled sometimes, not that I refuse to take after anybody's style or submit myself to crawl in the dirt for the mass producing queens. It's because Americans hate foreigners like pretty much everybody hate Americans. Especially nowadays. I can barely show my GB tattoo because it such a downright American insignia - people frown.