February 1 - A trip in wain

Had to get up early in order to go to my shrink. I hate when she's got just early appointments left. When I got there, after a fairly long drive, it turned out she'd have to attend to her kid and thus wasn't available. Went to the drugstore, the library, shopped for groceries and so on, which was a great strain on me, but I managed pretty well. Awarded myself with some chocolate. That's not so clever, minding that I'm being checked for diabetes. Well, got some immense thirst, verging on water poisoning! That'd be some death, eh? I wonder if it's painful.

Had been staring at the wall, being full of angst, when my boyfriend arrived back from the university. Read some and eventually made a pizza, which I only nibbled a slice of. I wish I was really thin. Abnormally, immensly thin. It's hard to cope with the weight that the medication added to me. I was always slim, you know.

Watched a nice TV show about dialects and then worked managed to get full aúthority of the 'puter in order to play World of Warcraft. Joined a guild, which is unusually brave for being me.

There are some rules. Never speak unless absolutely necessary. This applies to all situations in life. Before, I tried to speak up, but I quit. It hurts too much and isn't worth it. Read a book by an asperger today and it said the opposite: try to speak! That's not it. The key is to always shut up. Always. I don't care if it sounds stupid, it's the Rule. They won't get to you. They won't hurt you. The flashbacks won't be triggered as much. Stay away from people, always. This is what I lived by as a kid, and I return to it. There's no other way.

I'm so drunk. That's the moment when I connect to myself. It's 5.30 AM and I pretend to be playing some computer game. There's no life, you know. No nothing. Not that I'd cry "WOlf!" like before. There's no one there to listen. I'm going to China. I must survive at least until that.