October 3 - Awake

Another sleepless night. Adult kindergarten called and asked if I would show up. I said I would. Of course I said I would. I don't dare to say no. Played some WoW in the middle of the night, running out of quests as usual. Watched some old tape simultaneously. A program about gay daddies, and such. I wonder if I will be awake enough to show in the morning. It's already seven o'clock.

October 3 - Crap!

Haven't been able to look at my site for a long long time, but this sleepness night I did. I'm devastated. I couldn't remember it was such crap! Crap crap crap. Bad art, bad everything. I should never have attempted to write in English. Almost every sentence is wrong. I can put up with the Swedish stories, but not the English ones. They're mangled and have a terrible Egon/Janine focus. Now I long for nothing. I urged to write, but have a barrier. Now I don't see how I urged to produce crap. The language problem is a terrible obstacle. I see why people think litte of my stuff.

Can't sleep but have to get up three hours from now. Sneaked into a chatty page of a GB forum and notified that I was around. They don't know me. Better to let it stay that way. Opened three packages from eBay. It was a picture LP with GB, two rare GB books, and a bathroom set with RGB. I've two more waiting at the post office. Discussed with my boyfriend that I want to write and he said I haven't mentioned it in years. Why don't I kill them off and have it over with, he said. Maybe he's right. It's just that I love them so much.

October 2 - Morning watch

Today I'm watching RGB episodes again. The sun just rose. I tried playing with WoW Egon, but I was hopelessly stuck. Tried to play another character, Huntra, but I couldn't remember where I was, why and what I should do, so I quit that and sneaked into the GB forum and looked for a bit. There's really not much going on. I was catious about answering anything, as I know I will regret it.

Even sneaked back to the RGB fanfic list and checked who were posting, and what. That list seems pretty dead as well. A few entries, not much stories. I will never go through the peril of publishing anything there and be loathed again! I'm so worried they will get to me again. I haven't left out my mail address to a single soul except for eBay and Tradera. Well, and that collector's list.

Many times I recited to myself what I would write if I came back to fanfic list. "I know you hate me, but...", "There's been years since I wrote, but..." and such crap. There's no way to return. It's so strange I can't get around with other fans. They tend to dislike me. I tend not to like their stuff. I want stories like good episodes! That's what I want. I never read one. I despice the gloating and drowsy stuff they tend to fancy.

Often I wonder why they don't like what I create. I mean, I stick to the series and the characters. I try to build the story like on TV. I asked around and everybody, yes everybody, said it's because I'm a foreigner and that Americans hate us. They can't put up with how some stupid woman across sea is trying to mess with an American fandom, people say. Not that I neccesarily write crap or good stuff, that my English naturally is mangled sometimes, not that I refuse to take after anybody's style or submit myself to crawl in the dirt for the mass producing queens. It's because Americans hate foreigners like pretty much everybody hate Americans. Especially nowadays. I can barely show my GB tattoo because it such a downright American insignia - people frown.

October 1 - Watching RGB

I did it! I was so bored with grinding in the PC game World of Warcraft that I dragged the small TV into the computer room and started watching RGB tapes simultaneously. Why haven't I watched them for so long? Well, the anti campaign from many years ago. I've been reminded by how they flamed and hated, remembered it if I watch RGB, so I couldn't. Not until now, really.

Then I wanted to write RGB stories. Just one story, even. I know people don't like them and hardly even read them, but to write one for me, for pleasure only. Imagine diving into a new episode no one but me has watched, that exists only within that unread story. To get to know the guys again, as I love them so much.

I mean, in World of Warcraft, the online game, my character's name is Egon and he's a tall blond elf. He runs around with his pet panther Slimer. Got totally stuck with that guy at level 41, as I have to play with others to go further. I can't play with others. I get all worked up and confused. They all said I suck. If I suck at something, I quit. Problem is that I'm on the sick list and have nothing to do... thus, I want to write RGB again. Really don't feel like starting all over and repeat everything with a new character.

Bought the DVD collection of RGB episodes. I haven't been able to watch them because of how it came to a devastating end years ago, in that hate campaign or whatever I should call it. Watched two eps, but those I had on my British real legal DVDs so I saw them already in the corner of my eye, mostly listening. Whatever.