August 27ht -Temple Grandin

Gotta read up on the Raëlians. There's always something to investigate, but yet nothing. They claim to be ahead of everyone else when it comes to human clones. Well, whatever.

Sitting here by the comp, doing shit. My boyfriend's got the first job of his life, being 32. Paperboy in the weekends. Still, this is enough to get me closer to Life. Managed to clean a bit for the first time in years, just because of him finally trying to get a job. Usually I just huddle up in some corner and literally whine. Now I'm sane enough to see this ain't gonna work.

It's always been me bringing in the dough. Since five years I'm recieving the smallest amout possible from being on the long-term sick list. This is what we have, apart from what he gets from his student loan. That's no salary - it's a loan, and he's gotta pay it back. Still he says he doesn't have to work until this-and-that date. Now he got a job as a paperboy on weekends. That's all he's gonna get. It's nothing. It's what I paid the vet recently when my cat got a wound.

I'm so worried! I can't live on like this. Worried in limbo. I'm too sick to work it out. Gotta get a job. I'm still shell-shocked about people putting dead flies in my coffee mug, telling boss about how useless I am. People wanna get to me, and they wanna get to me bad. That's no imagination.

"A feeling for cows" is on today. Temple Grandin is an aspie, as well as I. She makes cows take an interest in her. I make cats become my friends. She made cows more comfortable walking towards their death without too much objections. I make cats follow me, just by communicating that I understand cat language. My cats are my treasure.

Yeah, I'm drunk. First time in many months. I've done good. Limbo, and no booze until now.

August 23rd - Shrink

Seeing my shrink again. There's been many weeks since I saw her last time. She was away because of some family trauma, or something. I don't quite know. Aking your shrink about her life does put a sordine (is that an English word?) on your forty-five minutes, so I figured I'd better ask once I left. "Life is a rocky road", she said. I understood what she implied.

Came to think of the way she looks upon me. There's no question she likes me. I might be an aspie, but I've been reading up about body language since I was a kid. She does like me, and she hinted that I'm one of her... err... favourite clients. We really do get along. That's weird - I don't get all worked up about meeting her, as opposed with pretty much anyone else.

That's somewhat on the downside. If I can clearly make out that she likes me, I can assume that the people which I read not liking me... is an appropriate conclucion. "Micsonception" down the drain. I can indeed see which people don't appreciate my company. They are many - pretty much all of them. I don't know what I do wrong, but it's something major.

Last time she said we might be alright with meeting every eight week. That was like a blow to the head - seeing her is what marks out the pace in life. Two months between every meeting? She doesn't care more? She doesn't know I measure time by seeing her, no matter how pathetic that might sound? Asked if I might see her every second week, Thursdays a quarter past three, just like it used to be. She agreed. I can once again sum up my existence by seeing her, describing what my "life" is like. My shit is trotting ahead in time, month after month, year after year. I'm getting old, but I'm not getting anywhere.

August 21 - Joining Facebook

Okay, I admit it. I didn't know about Facebook until I read about it in a cheap tabloid on the internet. Thought I'd better join the thing as they said it was so popular. Crap that I had to give out my real name, but who cares. I didn't spell it correctly. No one can track me down, I suppose. Joined a few Ghostbusters lists, even as I have bad experience from such. Imagine my surprise, again, when I searched for the keyword "Egon" and there was some obscure thread about a cute guy looking like Egon - with one of my drawings as main illustration!

How did that happen? Once more, where did they get it from? Probably not my site. It's circulating somewhere. It was supposed to be a silly illustration, that much I figured, and they used the only silly Egon I put on my site. Well, the one that goes with the RGB Egon descriptive page. Again, I was surrounded with the warm but scary feeling of still being a part of the universe.

My boyfriend said that's no surprise, since I do have a ghostbusters.se web address and is bound to get some hits. Still, I'm dumbfound. I didn't imagine. I'm still around, in some sense.

August 19th 2007 - Pins

Was looking at eBay and there were some "Egon pins" for sale. Imagine my surprise when I checked that Egon pic, and it was mine! Someone thought it was good enough to put on a pin. Isn't that weird? It's like I exist again in the GB universe. Couldn't help but to write the guy and thank him, but now I'm too worried to open the mail he sent me. Oh well. Maybe he's not upset with me after all - how would I know.

Oh crap. Now I managed to open the mail by accident. That only happens when you're drunk, doesn't it. Some Christine that thanked me for letting her know. Where did she get the pic from? Not from my site, that's for sure. Good to have read the mail, after all. It was eating my mind.

August 19, 2007 -

how do I remove this