February 1 - A trip in wain

Had to get up early in order to go to my shrink. I hate when she's got just early appointments left. When I got there, after a fairly long drive, it turned out she'd have to attend to her kid and thus wasn't available. Went to the drugstore, the library, shopped for groceries and so on, which was a great strain on me, but I managed pretty well. Awarded myself with some chocolate. That's not so clever, minding that I'm being checked for diabetes. Well, got some immense thirst, verging on water poisoning! That'd be some death, eh? I wonder if it's painful.

Had been staring at the wall, being full of angst, when my boyfriend arrived back from the university. Read some and eventually made a pizza, which I only nibbled a slice of. I wish I was really thin. Abnormally, immensly thin. It's hard to cope with the weight that the medication added to me. I was always slim, you know.

Watched a nice TV show about dialects and then worked managed to get full aúthority of the 'puter in order to play World of Warcraft. Joined a guild, which is unusually brave for being me.

There are some rules. Never speak unless absolutely necessary. This applies to all situations in life. Before, I tried to speak up, but I quit. It hurts too much and isn't worth it. Read a book by an asperger today and it said the opposite: try to speak! That's not it. The key is to always shut up. Always. I don't care if it sounds stupid, it's the Rule. They won't get to you. They won't hurt you. The flashbacks won't be triggered as much. Stay away from people, always. This is what I lived by as a kid, and I return to it. There's no other way.

I'm so drunk. That's the moment when I connect to myself. It's 5.30 AM and I pretend to be playing some computer game. There's no life, you know. No nothing. Not that I'd cry "WOlf!" like before. There's no one there to listen. I'm going to China. I must survive at least until that.

January 31 - Snow

Was supposed to go to adultgarten, but got too stressed and didn't sleep for the entire night, so I was too tired in the morning. Felt misérable about not going and had to eat anti-angst pills. They're running out. My new doctor isn't nice, like my previous ones, and he thinks I should get a job as I'm perfectly in order. Thus he won't prescribe more than 30 anti-angst pills at a time. It's very stressing. I'm thinking about it every day. Of course I wanna get a job, but it's gonna make me kill myself, literally.

There's a lot of voices. They tell you that you ain't no good. If you have voices in your head, don't mention 'em, or you'll be put on lots of foul medicine. They're gonna concentrate on that, and not your depression! What's some music and voices, compared to depression? Nothing.

Got the very cute Clark Kent plush doll, which is very nice. Also got the expensive calendars. They're nice, but will always remind me of a bad judgement and thus is more of a pain.

Was alone until night, as my boyfriend was attending archeaology class until late. Lotsa snow. Wouldn't wanna drive. Read some. Watched a TV documentary about a guy putting houses on fire in the next town. It was before I moved in, but anyway.

I think I won't make another bid on Ghostbusters stuff, as I don't have enough cash flow. The bad bid on "The greatest American hero" put a stop to it. They cheated me, I think. They embedded in a mass of text that they'd gonna charge 25 dollars on each DVD. I can't read that well. I'm too confused to comprehend. Fuck everything.

January 30 - Somewhat broke

Watched "Supernanny" and "American Idol". The latter was, as usual, unbelievable. They seem so... immature. Learned that my bid on "The greatest American hero" was fucked up and I had to pay muntiple shipping fees, as I suspected. This means I can't buy anything for a month, except groceries. Severe headache. Seem to have a cold, still. Really boring.

January 29 - Happy Nian!

Sunday, if you didn't know. I hate Sundays. They're like some fake holiday. I don't get the advantage of holidays as I'm on the sick list. There's nothing more I'd want than being useful. Contribute to the society. I'd want a job, but realize I'm much too ill to be of any help. Today's China's new "Nian", happy new year. This is the year of the dog. The Black Dog, Winston Churchill's way to put depression. He suffered from it, you know.

Five minutes past midnight I bid on the four original Kenner RGB's with weapons, along with the Sungold RGB line. It was Ray, Egon and three Winstons. I didn't have the Winstons, so I outbid. They looked really cute. I know fandom cares nothing for bootlegs, but I find them cute. The guy seemed to fancy a girl being into action figures, and he lives pretty close nearby, but I won't be chatty. He has to find his own niche. Not the RGB's, as I bought his figures. :)

Watched "Six feet under" in the evening. It's gone crap. Sloppy, kitsch. I can't see how it still gets Emmy nominations, 44 or something this far. Taped an Eintstein documentary in the evening.

Janurary 28 - Hits fucked up

Okay, I looked at the hits of my site at of web hotel Surftown counter and it seems like I get more hits than I thought. Well, like 13.000 hits on individual pages a day. A day! This could mean some are looking at this blog. That's scary. How can two separate counters show that different amount of hits?

Not that I'm gonna look if I got some replies when it comes to the blog. No way. I plunge much too often, and it could mean I abandon the site. Abandon the Ghostbusters. That mustn't happen. Some "fans" made clear I have no business in fandom. I can't cope with facing that again. They forgot about me, I hate them. It's somewhat futile to hate people who's forgotten all about you.

Saturdays are boring. I have no one to visit, no parties, no nothing. Watched "Smallville" on some obscure channel and hated it. How can they mess up the Superman, or Superboy, concept like that? Did nothing much.